Chelsea 2-0 West Ham United – 200 Not Out

Here they cometh

The word is spreading. Pillagers are returning from the fields with not firewood or food, but stories – stories of impending doom. They report back to their respective tents trembling with fear – only able to utter two words. Mata and Hazard.

Their army’s crests drape mournfully around their base as rumours begin to fester amongst the villagers. Doors have been bolted and defences have been readied, but they still don’t feel fully prepared. Children had heard tales of two magnificent men that if combined could unleash an impalpable power. Until now they’d believed it to be nothing more than a fable.

The rumours are true. These men are on their way, and there will be no one to stop them.

The pillagers’ report

Today should be dedicated to a loyal servant – a real hero. For the 200th time he has delivered a fatal blow to the enemy, and along the way he has seen the side grow into champions, but for once Frank Lampard isn’t the name on everyone’s lips. There are two new kids in town, and they’re finally ready to set the world alight.

It’s almost poetic to see the old and new combining so graciously, and if Chelsea’s greatest server does happen to leave in the summer at least he will be eased out by a supportive partnership. That’s exactly what happened in today’s game against West Ham when Hazard’s wizardry floated the ball onto the head of Lampard to make it 1-0 inside 20 minutes.

The Blue Army started strong, carrying confidence from their FA Cup performance against Manchester United. It was reminiscent of the Chelsea side we saw at the beginning of the season, with a creative influence in midfield. The ball was held well and every attack looked promising. The tip of the blade however was not so sharp as Demba Ba failed to finish the job with a number of one-on-ones. Like everyone else he was in awe of Mata and Hazard whose inch-perfect passing and blistering runs were creating a whirlwind on the pitch.

There was only so much the east-enders could take, and within 50 minutes Hazard had made it 2-0. Again, Mata and Hazard combined to rip apart the away side’s defence, and a similar piece of trickery from Mata complimented Hazard’s earlier assist, and allowed him to let off a sublime left-footed shot that buried itself in the corner of the net.

In the rare occasions that West Ham could prise the ball from Chelsea’s clutches they managed to fizzle in a couple of futile attempts at goal. Carlton Cole’s out-stuck leg managed to connect with the ball giving Cech his one moment of worry.

Lampard is now just two goals away from equalling Chelsea’s all-time highest goal record, but something far more special happened in today’s game. Mata and Hazard showed exactly how much damage they can do when they link together. United couldn’t deal with them, West Ham didn’t stand a chance and the rest of the league can only sit in fear as these two brilliant young talents get ready to unleash their full potential.

Press Reports

The Guardian, Dominic Fifield: “The script felt prescribed. Frank Lampard had been twitching nervously on the brink of a major landmark for a month, the flurry of goals that had propelled Chelsea through the winter suddenly choked, when Eden Hazard clipped over a mouth-watering centre and, at last, the veteran rose to nod in No 200. There was a quick glance back over his shoulder at the linesman on the far side, the lack of a flag prompting a flash of relief, before the realisation dawned his timing was finally in.”

The Daily Telegraph, Paul Kelso: “One of the crowning moments of Frank Lampard’s career collided with bad blood from his formative years as his 200th Chelsea goal was met with a hail of missiles from West Ham United fans at Stamford Bridge. Substitute John Terry is understood to have been hit by a coin thrown from the section of the Shed End housing visiting supporters after former West Ham player Lampard scored the opening goal in an ultimately comfortable Chelsea win. Missiles including drinks bottles, coins and other objects were hurled towards the Chelsea players as they celebrated, and the incident could yet lead to an FA charge if it is reported by referee Michael Oliver.”

The Independent, Kevin Garside: “It had to be Frank Lampard, his 200th goal for Chelsea coming against his boyhood club. There were fairytale displays too by Eden Hazard and Juan Mata, two players operating on a level way beyond the capabilities of West Ham, who are once more looking over their shoulder at the gathering storm just six points below.”

The Official Chelsea FC Website: “The Blues moved into third in the Premier League table with a comfortable 2-0 win against West Ham United at Stamford Bridge, our fourth home league victory in a row.”


19′ Lampard 1-0
50′ Hazard 2-0

There are 20 comments

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  1. neilalex

    A curious mixture of vainglorious nonsense and campness combining for about the gayest description of a football match I’ve ever read. Still, what would you expect from a Chelsea fan whose sporting upbringing comprised of watching Torvill and Dean.

    • Blue is the Colour

      Frankly your comment epitomises the stereotypical West Ham fan: small-minded, bigoted and offensive. You know what? Torvill and Dean’s performance at the 1984 Winter Olympics was and remains one of this country’s greatest sporting moments. Today Eden Hazard Torvill and Dean’d West Ham. And Frank Lampard kicked snow in your faces. Frank is one of the best footballers this country has ever produced and he deserves considerably more plaudits than he will ever receive, particularly from West Ham fans. In fact from fans of every club in England… it’s only us Chelsea fans who realise what a genuine legend he is. Please just fuck off.

  2. mark_25

    Nice report Chris.

    As the Romanian caravans peeled out of the car park to be replaced by slightly shabbier ones from the East End the excitement returned to the Bridge. Fantastic entertainment all round with the understanding between Mata and Hazard exceptional. Hazard’s display was everything we hoped for when we bought him and the pikeys didn’t have a clue how to stop him.

    If Demba Ba hadn’t spent the last 2 months discussing finishing techniques with Torres we’d have scored 8.

    Great for Frank to get to 200 in front of his old pals. JT capped it off nicely by performing his stretches and provocatively sticking his arse in their faces.

  3. neilalex

    Indeed. Good old Lampsey and JT’sey. Stunning examples of leadership and manhood, on the payroll of such a fantastically astute and successful businessman who contributed so much to his country. Jesus, what a club, well done.

    • mark_25

      Yes, pity about our owner running a successful oil and gas business when all along he could have teamed up with your owners to become a porn magnate. Now get back in your caravan and paw over your Ann Summers catalogue.

  4. neilalex

    Running a successful oil and gas business – you are surely joking? Do you really believe that to be the case? You genuinely think that’s how he made his money for Lampsey and Jt’sey? Still, that would mirror the depth of the average Chelsea fans knowledge about football, so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised.

    • Chris

      We’ll leave West Ham fans with their impeccable knowledge of Torvill and Dean and all things ‘gay’ in the comfort that the three points are ours, and our reputation as the best team in London is left unthreatened.

  5. neilalex

    Yes, the best team in London, but supported and built on a legacy of theft, and followed by a very small proportion of those who were around a generation ago when 6/7/8000 crammed into the old Bridge.


    People who want to sell the services of Frank Lampard is a fool ……… (SUPER FRANKY LAMPARD) is the best

  7. Der_Kaiser

    Very enjoyable afternoon all round. Mata and Hazard obviously the main talking point, but it was a good overall performance against dogged (if fairly limited) opposition. Well done to Frank on his landmark goal, well done to JT for some excellent piss taking and well done to the fans for uniting behind the team for 90 minutes.

    Judging by the attire of some of the visiting fans, they could have done with hanging on to some of the cash they were throwing about and using it towards saving up for some new clothing. Shabby looking bunch, they were. But at least they aren’t bitter.

  8. Blueboydave

    I only caught Sky’s Match Choice coverage late in the evening.

    Thought it was very tasteful of them to turn the volume of their crowd noise microphones down very low in the mix so you couldn’t make out what the Wet Spammers were singing. I assume they were as obsessed as ever with sticking flags up yer arse.

    Good to see Frankie reach his milestone in such an appropriate game, as I believe the Podding Shedders contemplated recently. So equal/beat the club record against The Spuds now?

    Speaking of whom, also pleased to see the Bale/Spuds miracle grind to a halt in the last week – I was getting very close to making the ultimate sacrifice and bringing Bale into my Fantasy Team to jinx him, but the usual crumble seems to have started without that noble gesture from me.

  9. limetreebower

    Hey, congratulations, Neil-Alex (this is like an East End version of the French naming system, I’m guessing? — they have Jean-Claude and Pierre-Louis, you have Neil-Alex and Kevin-Ron): I think you managed to hit the Anti-Chelsea Triple Crown of Predictable Unoriginality faster than anyone in recent memory. Most people manage to come up with either the you’re-all-plastic-fans thing or the Abramovich-is-a-bandit-capitalist thing or the JT-may-not-be-a-very-nice-person thing within a post or two, but it takes a rare kind of herd mind to cram all three in so rapidly.
    JT may indeed not be a very nice person (though I suspect he’s not really far below the average, if at all). Abramovich may indeed be a bandit capitalist (can’t argue with that, though if Boris Yeltsin had essentially tossed me the keys to infinite wealth I’m not sure how differently I’d have acted myself; but perhaps the Neil-Alexes and Kevin-Rons of the world have higher standards). And it is indeed true that a lot more people go to Chelsea games these days than did when we were crap (to be honest this doesn’t seem all that terribly surprising or different from what would happen if, say, Wigan started playing regularly in the Champions League).
    But we were still pretty good yesterday, and the Hammaz were still really quite shit. And we have Hazard, Mata and Oscar — whose arrival on the pitch was greeted with a chorus of ‘Who the f***ing hell are you?’ by the away fans, which really tells you as much as you need to know about their knowledge of football — and you have Andy Carroll and Big Sam. Enjoy!
    Oh, and we won. Tee hee.
    The players looked pretty shattered by the end and without the relatively early goals I think it would have been a bit of a struggle, which is why I’m not yet confident that we’ll finish in the top four. I don’t think we can expect Mata and Hazard to play like that all the time, either — though I agree with Chris (and thanks for the report btw) that everyone else should be getting a bit nervous about the future. But in the longer term view the reasons for optimism are multiplying nicely.
    Now, all we need is to stick with a manager for a season or three. Not the current one, I hasten to add.

  10. neilalex

    Bless…it’s the Torvill & Dean thing that rankles isn’t it; particular apologies to Blue is the Colour. And of course you won, you nearly always do against us. That’s normally what happens when you spend lots of money, regardless of source. Strange that none of the particular animosity that Chelsea attract seems to attach itself to Man City, but, there you go, its all just mindless bitterness….

    • Blue_MikeL

      You made my day! Its so great to be hated by your lot again. It just shows how good we are if emotionally unstable cripples as you are coming in here to show their pathetic hate. I really started to miss these days, it is so good to be hated again. The only problem I have is that you guys have no imagination coming in here and repeating all the same crap again and again. Brainless, bitter idiots.

  11. Day Tripper

    Moving on from the game, I think the impending fixture pile up is a real problem. Benitez needs to go to the powers that be and attempt to get a clear brief on what the priorities are for the rest of the season. But with things as they seem to be with the hierarchy, he is unlikely to get such a clear answer. He’ll probably be told that 3rd place is an absolute priority but that we want to do well in the FA Cup too because of our recent history in the competition, and of course the owner always likes us to do well in Europe, even if we are no longer in the Champions League etc. That will be no good. If the priority really is 3rd place (or even 2nd) in the premiership then I can’t help thinking he will have to put the reserves out in both games against Rubin Kazan, and more especially the away game in Russia that precedes the crucial game against Tottenham. I’m thinking of, amongst others, Mata, who, apart from all the Chelsea games that he has played in, had to play in the Euro tournament, and the Olympics. Burn out must be a real possibility

  12. PeteW

    Since about 20 minutes into the United game the team have started playing like a team, one that’s being led and managed rather than simply relying on fate and fortune to win (or lose matches). We’ve actually thoroughly deserved everything we got this week, and looked like we were in control of our own destiny. No idea what made it all tick – maybe the Rafa outburst at Boro, more likely things said on the training ground.
    We usually have a good March in the same way we always have a shit November and then carry that through to the end of the season. The team seem to thrive on this sort of challenge. Hope the international break doesn’t fuck us up too badly cos the momentum is there.

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