Em a Bee It’s a Big Horse

A Traditional Cockernee View on the Discomforture of Moving Home

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Em a bee it’s a big horse
Em a bee it’s a big horse who?
Em a bee it’s a big horse I’m a Londoner, that I love London so…

Ah yes, the lost days of music hall, of communal singing down the pub, that traditional working class staple so beautifully evoked by Terence Davies in Distant Voices, Still Lives (yes it was Liverpool but well…).

They can cancel the aircraft carriers but we’ve still got the Battle Cruiser (or just about).

So gather, if you will, around the old Joanna, that’s the piano not the typeface designed by Eric Gill.

Gentlemen, pint in one hand, spare thumb hooked under one of your braces, ladies, look sweet and fragrant, while sipping a port and lemon and orf we jolly well go… (to the tune of My Old Man Said Follow The Van)…

My ol’ man said be a Chelsea fan,
And read about ‘em every day,
But off went me blog with me posts locked in it,
They couldn’t stand OleOle, they just took agin’ it.

I dillied, I dallied, I dallied and I dillied,
Lorst the blog, now don’t know where to moan,
‘Cause there’s no other site like those Chelsea bloggers,
Good ol’ Kaiser, Nick and Tone…

(Segue back to the finish of Maybe It’s Because…)

Get orf yer granny, ‘cause I laarv Lunnun Taarn
Don’t touch me sister, ‘cause I laarv Lunnun Taarn… etc…

Thank you Landlord, I’ll have a Light and Bitter.

There are 33 comments

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  1. Der_Kaiser

    *rises to applaud*

    In the context of moving home, that was the equivalent of finding the kettle amidst all the chaos and settling down for the first refreshing cup of tea in one’s new abode.

    Wonderful stuff.

  2. Anonymous

    A tear is wiped from the eye here, like the moment you return home with a new born baby, life is changing and you suspect its for the better.

    Titfer well and truly doffed towards you, me ole mucker!

  3. Anonymous

    Fine stuff, Sir.

    As our sometime rural correspondent [see “Who Dairies Wins…” in “Best of” below] have you any more considered thoughts to add on the recent cryptic comments emanating from Messrs. Benitez and Ferguson beyond the terrible pun you posted near the end of the last blog?

  4. bluebayou


    I can’t work out how the reply thingy works.

    Other than listening to the Archers Omnibus occasionally, I’ve drifted away from the world of Rural Affairs. I do miss the smell of farmyard muck though.

  5. bluebayou

    Who says Farmer Ferguson doesn’t know what he’s doing.

    One assumes of course that he’s still leaving, it just means Man United can get the price they want for him and everyone’s happy ’til the summer when he goes for an enormous amount of wonga.

    • Anonymous

      And I thought I was cynical, but you might well be right. Will be interesting to see how Manc fans react to him when he plays next.

      Carlo’s press conference [minus pictures for some reason] disappointingly lacking in dairy references today and featured collapse of all press reps’ attempts to get a juicy Rooney quote from him when the Sky Sportsflash broke in mid-conference.

  6. Anonymous

    Rooney’s a complete joke. Doesn’t mean he’s staying, just means Man U will get a bigger fee if if he does go.

    • Anonymous

      But of course he’s talking rubbish. Likening a footballer to a house implies you’ve purchased a player for life or until you sell. In reality you’ve leased the player, typically for 3-5 years, with a hefty upfront premium.

      • Anonymous

        That’s as maybe, but the general point that a club can stump up megabucks for the player, invest in training and coaching, personal life and pay wages even if injured and then the player can just walk away at the end of the contract, the club get nothing and the player can pocket obscene wages on the basis the new club have paid fuck all seems wrong. Anyway the point was more about the rising anger of Olly and the way he seems to direct the comments at the hack.

        I like the slow burning passion!!!!!

        Like most I think it’s a ploy to get some transfer fee when he really wants to leave next summer.

        I think we’ll stick with Josh, Conor et al rather than someone who’s ego seems bigger than Jupiter……

  7. PeteW

    Sorry, but Holloway is talking total bollocks. He’s basically saying that players have no rights whatsoever. And like most people in football, he’s a complete hypocrite. Are we really supposed to believe he wouldn’t even THINK about leaving Blackpool if he was offered the chance to triple his wages and take on a bigger challenge. In fact, hasn’t he walked out on clubs in mid-season himself?

    People seem to want the lot from a player. Request a transfer in August, which is essentially what Rooney did, and he’s disloyal and greedy. See out your contract so the selling club gets bubkes, and you are disloyal and greedy (Sol Campbell). Ask for a pay rise and stay at the club, and you are disloyal and greedy (Terry, Rooney, Gerrard). Ask for a pay rise, don’t get it and move to somebody who’ll meet your demand, and you’re disloyal and greedy (Cole).

    People are blinded by the sums involved to see that this is all about. There are 20 players in the league who can behave like this and they can do it because their skills are rare and valuable. They have every right to work out the best deal for themselves and their family – and that doesn’t just mean money, it means quality of life – in the knowledge that the club would sell them in a second if the right deal came along.

    Rooney did exactly what John Terry did last summer, used interest from City to sound out the club’s ambition while securing himself a nice pay rise. I don’t have a problem with that at all. Rooney’s done well for himself, Fergie looks like a god and United keep the services of one of the best players in the world.

    • Anonymous

      I agree he’s not comparing apples with apples, but I stand by my point that clubs can be easily stitched up by Bosman. I’m not saying they’re all innocent , after all if the face doesn’t fit then they’ll happily ruin a career with languishing in the reserves. However, for Rooney to walk across to Citeh for fuck all after all the money United have lashed on him just because he can seems wrong. And using that hackneyed old ‘comiitment/club ambition’ cliche is patronizing bollocks at best. Who the fuck does he think is to dictate to a great club like Manchester United or question them on their future buying strategy, the pathetic ingrate? I’m not sure what or if there’s a solution as I think any employment based on fixed term contracts is open to abuse both ways. In this instance I think Rooney (or his agent) has played it well, but do you really think Fergie will forgive that easily? I stand by my point on ego and the fact that he’s lost in Showbiz rather than being the streetwise scally the media so love to portray him as . His antics for England in the World Cup demonstrated to me how detached he is from ordinary folk and fans. So, well done Wayne, now fuck off to your faux Tudor mansion and give us all a break. How long before the vomit inducing badge kissing starts?

      As for Terry, if he wanted to call the clubs bluff and we fell for it then so be it, but few players can get way with it. Do I think the fans will forgive Rooney, some will, but the more balanced will probably see him as the mercenary he is, (as well as we all are ultimately) but it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. JT’s antics have left a few of the people sitting near me with that bitterness, as has Drogba’s previous on field antics and comments. What I won’t take is patronizing bullshit speak from players/agents/coaches and clubs alike, they’re worse than MP’s for speaking and saying fuck all, and at least Holloway has some passion and spirit and no matter how misguided it might be, its a breath of fresh air from the ivory towered aloofness of most in the game.

  8. PeteW

    You make a strong case, but Rooney has every right to question United because they are clearly on the way down and City are on the way up. He’s already won a shedload of medals there and is the only reason they came close to winning anything last year. What’s wrong with thinking it might be time for a move? Seriously what’s he done wrong? Why is this ‘mercenary’?

    Just because he thought about leaving doesn’t make him disloyal, just pragmatic.

    Agree that Rooney was rather bizarrely painted as this good honest hardworking angel last year, mainly as a direct contrast to both John Terry and Ronaldo, but it was always media bollocks if you just look at the way he treated Everton and the way he behaved as a kid. He has ambition, knows his worth and has a mean streak.

    Has a got an ego? Yes, of course he does, he’s one of the best players in the world so he’s entitled to one. He also knows football and understands that he only has any value for x amount of years and that the club will drop him like hot shit if the right deal comes up.

    And how many times have clubs really been stitched up with Bosman? Players still have way less power than clubs. I’d hate to be in an situation where I’m tied to the company for five years unless they decide to get rid of me, and the only way I can move is by getting destroyed in the press.

    Really find it utterly bizarre that all the sympathy goes to the clubs in these cases and none to the individual.

    • Anonymous

      Changing the subject a tad………….it is sometimes possible to feel sorry for a club……..my local is going to be very sombre tonight on this news…….


      Passed from incompetent hands to criminal hands with footballing authorities just wandering around in their blazers, eyes and ears closed. Tragic for my adopted city. Gaydamak owns most if not all the land around the ground, so when it’s liquidated and the land sold……I wonder who’ll be the buyer? I doubt he’d be stupid enough to step back into the city because I’ve no doubt someone will get him, no matter how many bodyguards he has. But for me, the real tragedy is how such an established part of the community, with full time and part time jobs, passing trade from games and just the sense of pride from having a football team and ground can be allowed to die like this.

  9. Clive

    Perhaps the simplistic answer to all this, is to have….
    a) No contracts
    b) Salary cap
    c) Paid per game
    d) Ban agents

    Yeah I know, fraught with all sorts of problems and totally unworkable.

  10. bluebayou

    Previously the clubs who’ve been had over in a land grab for supermarkets and other developments have been clubs from the lower divisions and so it’s gone somewhat un-noticed.

    This is more high profile, not that it will change anything.

    I think it will become a growing trend for clubs in urban areas/centres to be prone to this sort of thing unless they act first, cash in and move next to the bypass as far as possible from public transport links or pubs, all the better to enhance the match day experience for the paying customer.

    And taking a dim view, it means all the rucking can take place where it doesn’t affect joe public.

    • Anonymous

      A good point BB. I’m off to Melancholy Hill tonight as the pub will no doubt be, trying hard to stop ChelseaBob from being downright insensitive.

      Pompey have suffered for years when trying to get a new ground outside of the city centre, beaten down by nimby’s or a council and local scumbag hypocritical MP all purporting to support the club and its development, but sticking the knife in wittingly or unwittingly by remaining silent when the chips were down. No doubt he hand-wring bleeding heart council leaders and local MPs will bleat to cameras on their good profile about what a sad day it is, whilst in their hearts knowing they stood by and did arse all.

      I’m a tad angry, as you might tell. Time for a pint of Stout and a medium Cuban, methinks a Don Ramos maybe, to lower the blood pressure……..

      • Clive

        My good lady wife informs me Tony, that the treatment you’ve prescribed for lowering your blood pressure, won’t work. 😉

  11. Ringo

    Wouldn’t it be nice if just for once someone spoke the truth…,I wanted more money. They doubled my wages. And now I’m happy.
    I’d love to hear what Olly has to say now.

    Robbie Di Matteo is getting in on the farming act ,
    “It’s like when you’re a farmer,” Di Matteo says. “You want to bring as much hay into your store as possible, ready for the long hard winter. That’s what we’re trying to do. Because it is still going to be a harsh winter. It’s freezing cold at the moment already. So we have to know we have some hay there – and we have nowhere near enough yet.”

  12. Anonymous

    I’m a last minute substitute for the report as our top striker has more pressing and frankly important things to attend to. I’ll do my best to get something done tonight, but please bear with us at ChelseaBlog Towers and you will all be duly rewarded.

  13. Anonymous

    Thoughts before the report comes out…

    Who still wants to sell Kalou? That was quite a 3 man move to score that goal.

    Bosingwa looks better than I remember him being.

    Zhirkov has had 2 very nice games. With Yossi out he has firmly grabbed hold of his opportunity.

    Drogba was poor. Every time he comes back in the team and isn’t match fit he’s poor. Nothing to see here. Expect to see the rampage in a game or two.

    McEacheran sighting!

  14. Anonymous

    Important three points.

    Could’ve scored (or conceded) more and the whole team played well.

    I thought DD was OK: he just looks puzzled why he hasn’t scored for a while and seems to forget that he hasn’t been playing.

    Read some of that interview and as an ex-smoker I can assure Carlo that his best achievement now would be to give up molto presto.

  15. Ringo

    Bit of a disappointing performance ,especially as it was probably our strongest line-up with the exception of Yuri for Frankie ,and maybe Branners for Alex(?) .But a win is a win is a win.
    Can’t remember the last time Cech had to make so many saves ,even if they were all routine.
    He might have scored the opener ,again ,but Malouda hasn’t loooked the same the last few games ,he needs to put his barnet back up.
    And Kalou is starting to look like a bit of a David Fairclough.

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