(Pabst) Blue Ribbon and Blue Velvet

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Celebrating a season and a life

Any of you who care to know are by now aware that Dennis Hopper has died.

It wasn’t unexpected, his rapid decline in recent months meant he wasn’t going to last much longer.

But, while tucked away unwebbed in North Norfolk (that’s a reference to being without the interweb not extraneous skin between my toes), with the cares of the workaday world laid to one side in favour of crab fishing, sand castle construction and other fatherly pursuits, it was still a shock to hear the news that he had passed away on the 29th May.

Ignoring the advice of Hopper’s Doctor Waxling (Search and Destroy 1995), “Just because it happened to you does not make it interesting”, I had been scratching around for something on which to hang a personal review of the season but with my pelican of creativity oiled by the slick of mediocrity, nothing would take flight.

Then with the need to mark the passing of a cinematic great, I was inspired.

So here it is. A quollagescape (a collage of quotes forming a soundscape is the official definition) composed of lines spoken by characters played by Dennis Hopper.

It tracks my mental and emotional state through a season where that part of my psyche dealing with sporting matters came close to disintegration under the pressure of it all.

And, let’s face it, no-one did disintegration on screen (and possibly off screen) quite like Dennis Hopper.

I cover the Premier League campaign, with one or two other significant moments added to build the picture. The lines are not always a direct comment on the result, they may refer to an incident or personality or some amount of media led nonsense that surrounded the event.

But hey, look! I’m talking about this as though it could ever really make sense, even to me.

So clutching our case of Pabst Blue Ribbon (and not that Heineken shit!) and without further ado, in the immortal words of the psychotic Frank Booth, “Let’s hit the fuckin’ road!”

“Only in dreams in beautiful dreams” – Roy Orbison

Hull (H) 2-1
Well, it don’t make ’em runnin’ scared.
(Billy – Easy Rider 1969)

Sunderland (A) 3-1
Suave! Goddamn you’re one suave fucker!
(Frank Booth – Blue Velvet 1986)

Fulham (A) 2-0
Hey, man. All we represent to them, man, is somebody who needs a haircut.
(Billy – Easy Rider 1969)

Burnley (H) 3-0
It takes more than going down to your local video store and renting Easy Rider to become a rebel.
(Huey Walker – Flashback 1990)

Stoke City (A) 2-1
Now, boys, don’t get caught watchin’ the paint dry!
(Wilbur ‘Shooter’ Flatch – Hoosiers 1986)

Tottenham Hotspur (H) 3-0
…nothing tricky now. You know I’m on top of you! DO NOT attempt to grow a brain!
(Howard Payne – Speed 1994)

Wigan (A) 1-3
If you’ll notice the arterial nature of the blood coming from the hole in my head, you can assume that we’re all having a real lousy day.
(Deacon – Waterworld 1995)

Liverpool (H) 2-0
No, I’m, no, I’m quoting… history. It’s written. It’s a fact, it’s written.
(Clive Worley – True Romance 1993)

Aston Villa (A) 1-2
Talk into my bullet hole, tell me I’m fine.
(Bill – Jesus’ Son 1999)

Blackburn Rovers (H) 5-0
I shoot when I see the whites of the eyes.
(Frank Booth – Blue Velvet 1986)

Bolton Wanderers (A) 4-0
You ain’t seem to get the right of it. I had to shoot him.
(Hatfield Carnes – The Young Land 1959)

Manchester United (H) 1-0
Do you think about your childhood often? I think about mine. When the going gets rough, I think about my childhood.
(1st Sgt Jack Falen – Tracks 1977)

Wolverhampton Wanderers (H) 4-0
I’m the Lord of the Harvest!
(Lefty – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 1986)

Arsenal (A) 3-0
There’s gonna come a time, boy, when you will wish you never met me.
(Howard Payne – Speed 1994)

Carling Cup Exit
Blackburn (A) 6-7 (aet and penalties)
We went over the rules.
(Howard Payne – Speed 1994)

Manchester City (A) 1-2
Now it’s dark.
(Frank Booth – Blue Velvet 1986)

Everton (H) 3-3
In a world where the dead are returning to life, the word “trouble” loses much of its meaning.
(Kaufmann – Land of the Dead 2005)

Portsmouth (H) 2-1
I would like to be your friend. But friendship isn’t possible.
(Tom Ripley – Der amerikanische Freund – The American Friend 1977)

West Ham United (A) 1-1
Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.
(Benny Chains – Knockaround Guys 2001)

Birmingham City (A) 0-0
This day has been rather disappointing, I don’t mind saying.
(Howard Payne – Speed 1994)

Fulham (H) 2-1
Even this river – this river reminds me of another river.
(Tom Ripley – Der amerikanische Freund – The American Friend 1977)

Sunderland (H) 7-2
I wish there was some hip way of telling you this, baby, but, ah… you’re one with and part of an ever-expanding, loving, joyful, glorious, and harmonious universe.
(Max – The Trip 1967)

Birmingham City (H) 3-0
Golly gee, a single tear rolls down my cheek.
(Deacon – Waterworld 1995)

Burnley (A) 2-1
There’s mines over there, there’s mines over there, and watch out those goddamn monkeys bite, I’ll tell ya.
(Photojournalist – Apocalypse Now)

Hull (A) 1-1
I give up. Who are you?
(Clive Worley – True Romance 1993)

Arsenal (H) 2-0
The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad.
(Photojournalist – Apocalypse Now)

Everton (A) 1-2
Right! But don’t wallow, because it’s fake and disgusting!
(Max – The Trip 1967)

Wolverhampton Wanderers (A) 2-0
That is cold, man. What if the train derails, huh? What if we plunge into a river, huh?
(Huey Walker – Flashback 1990) (Tom Ripley – Der amerikanische Freund – The American Friend 1977)

Champions League
Internatzionale (A) 1-2
Hey, man, you don’t talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense.
(Photojournalist – Apocalypse Now 1979)

Manchester City (H) 2-4
Honestly, how many of you are here for the free sex?
(Huey Walker – Flashback 1990)

West Ham United (H) 4-1
You’re in over your head, boy.
(Cal – King of the Mountain 1981)

Champions League
Internatzionale (H) 0-1
Quincy, he never played me false until he killed me.
(Moon – True Grit 1969)

Blackburn Rovers (A) 1-1
Man, everybody got chicken, that’s what happened. Hey, we can’t even get into like, a second-rate hotel, I mean, a second-rate motel, you dig?
(Billy – Easy Rider 1969)

Portsmouth (A) 5-0
What do you think, Jack? You think if you pick up all the bus driver’s teeth, they’ll give you another medal?
(Howard Payne – Speed 1994)

Aston Villa (H) 7-1
Is that your defense, man?
(Max – The Trip 1967)

Manchester United (A) 2-1
I’ve had a vision so great, as it came to me I wept.
(Deacon – Waterworld 1995)

FA Cup
Aston Villa (Semi-Final) 3-0
You stay alive, baby. Do it for Van Gogh.
(Frank Booth – Blue Velvet 1986)

Bolton Wanderers (H) 1-0
You know something? I can’t do this anymore.
(Flash Jensen – The Pick-Up Artist 1987)

Tottenham Hotspur (A) 1-2
Well, there’s no deeper shit than the kind we’re in right now, I’ll tell you that.
(Bill – Jesus’ Son 1999)

Stoke City (H) 7-0
I wish I had words, man. I wish I had words.
(Photojournalist – Apocalypse Now)

Liverpool (A) 2-0
There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. I know less and less about who I am, or who anybody else is.
(Tom Ripley – Der amerikanische Freund – The American Friend 1977)

The League is Won
Wigan (H) 8-0
Well, they ain’t dancin’, and they ain’t gamblin’, and they ain’t drinkin’, cussin’, fightin’, fuckin’ out of wedlock. They ain’t even mentioned in the Bible, but they will get yuh real close to Heaven.
(Walker Benson – Chattahoochee 1989)

FA Cup – The Double
Portsmouth (Final) 1-0
We did it, man. We did it, we did it. We’re rich, man. We’re retirin’ in Florida now, mister.
(Billy – Easy Rider 1969)

And a final word or two for the Chelsea hating media…

I can hear your fucking radio you stupid shit!
(Frank Booth – Blue Velvet 1986)

I have an apology to make. To all the hookers out there, I compared them to the media.
(as Frank Sinatra – The Night We Called It a Day 2003)